It's been ages since I last wrote - and I must admit that it's not because I've been that busy - it's only because I've never really committed myself to make time to write. For that, I'm sorry.
Still, I figure, like birthdays, anniversaries are good time to pause and reflect - and for that, here I am.
8 years! Masya Allah, already? Coming from a background when one's own parents had their divorce for the third and final time when their eldest child was eight - 8 years is a feat, alhamdulillah.
We've gone through ups and downs - but there was one incident this year that got us shook up. I guess it's true - love will be tested, even in the sturdiest marriage. You know how life is. It can be like a teacher, who from time to time puts us through tests and exams - and when we pass those tests and exams, we found ourselves achieving new levels of understanding. The same goes with marriage - there'll be tests every now and then. And hopefully, when we pass those tests, we will also achieve new level of understanding and benefit from that to become better and stronger.
I was so saddened when Ayah, with tears in his eyes, actually apologised to me - "I'm sorry I made a bad choice for you". Ayah felt guilty because, like I've explained before - hubby and I were introduced by a family friend (Ayah's ustaz). Both Ayah and Mak were already keen on the prospect of having hubby as their son-in-law when I was pretty much still feeling blasé about getting married. But as it happened - we did istikharah, some soul searching and it didn't take long for hubby and I to agree to get married after the initial introduction.
For Ayah to feel that he should be blamed should anything went wrong with our marriage - it's just simply wrong. "It's not your fault. You didn't forced me to marry him. I married him out of my own free will," I tried to reassure Ayah.
"Yes, but it was Ayah and Mak who chose him in the first place and you just went along with our choice".
There was no words to console Ayah. I found myself in tears because being a parent myself, I could imagine, if it's possible, my parents would have taken my burden of pain and bear it for me - but they could not. They could could only make a lot of doa and give us lots of blessings, so that Allah will make it easier for us...
In the first place, hubby and I did not marry each other purely out of love for ourselves. In the first place, we married each other because we believed that Allah has given us jodoh together and we got married because of Him. Since we married because of him, when in trouble, we returned back to Him in finding the root cause of the trouble that plagued our marriage.
And, alhamdulillah - I believe that we have overcame that test.
We are both humans with weaknesses. We are both humans that need reminders from time to time to correct our mistakes, to improve ourselves. When we were tested - we tried to look for common grounds that could bridge the gap between us. We do love each other. We do want to raise our kids together. And we do want to be together and try to make our holy matrimony bond last - till jannah, insya Allah.
All these hopes and wants mean we have to commit ourselves to it. Apologies and forgiveness were exchanged. Regrets and repents were accepted. Promises were made. Changes were vital.
And so we try to move forward and fall in love with each other again - because after all, a successful marriage requires falling in love over and over again, always with the same person.
Alhamdulillah I tuned in to IKIM.fm that Monday afternoon, after work and on the way to pick the kids from the nursery. Ustaz Pahrol Mohd Juoi was on air, in the "Mukmin Profesional" slot.
"Dua prasyarat untuk mendapat jodoh yang baik.
Pertama, jadilah orang yang baik, insyaAllah, akan dapat jodoh yang baik.
Kedua, ikutlah pilihan orang yang baik-baik. insyaAllah, jodoh itu jodoh yang baik."
I was stunned. Okay, it was nothing new - but at that moment, I knew exactly what I needed to convince my parents. To stop them from feeling guilty for making hubby our 'pilihan bersama' as my spouse.
I know my husband, and despite all our differences and weaknesses and all - I'm convinced that he is a 'jodoh yang baik'.
I know my parents, and despite all our differences and arguments and all - I'm convinced that they are 'orang yang baik-baik".
Hence, I believe that hubby is indeed a 'jodoh yang baik' because he was the choice of my parents, people I believe to be 'orang yang baik-baik', insya Allah.
It was past midnight when I awoke in an empty bed. I went downstairs - there he was, on the couch, baby Aqil sprawled asleep in front of him and 3-year old Asim asleep on the sofa next to the couch. Akif and Huzaifah were still awake - intently playing game on either Ayah's or Ibu's phone.
I walked purposely towards the couch - took his hand, raised it and kissed it. Then I kissed his face - both the cheeks and the forehead.
"Tahu tak kenapa?," I queried, wondering whether or not he still remember our wedding anniversary.
Eight years on, four boys, two miscarriages and all...
I grinned. Alhamdulillah. He might not be a romantic, but he remembers. That should count for something.
Here's making lots of doa that we will be blessed by Allah in our joining, that we will be the qurratul a'yun for each other and that we will grow old together, be with each other always - from earth till jannah, insya Allah.
I love you Abang!